During a segment on The TODAY Show, Jenna Bush Hager and Maria Shriver brought up the idea of "No ring, no bring," an age-old adage often implored during wedding planning. It's somewhat controversial and meant to give whoever is hosts (a.k.a. paying the bills) the ability to cut their friends and loved one's non-betrothed significant others from the guest list swiftly and with zero guilt. At the time, Shriver's son Patrick Schwarzenegger and Abby Champion were planning their Couer d'Alene, Idaho wedding, and the saying came up to determine who was in and who was out. Essentially, "no ring, no bring" means guests who are not married or engaged do not get a plus one.
The day the segment aired, a reel from it was shared on the Over The Moon team Slack, and let's just say the topic was a hot one—everyone on staff had an opinion. Is it all right to not invite someone's new beau when they know for sure that he's the one or someone else's long-term, tried and true partner? Is the "no ring, no bring" rule even valid in today's dating landscape? Inevitably, talk turned to how best to approach the entire process of curating a guest list. How do you go about adding and cutting a round up of people you know and love? (Some maybe more so than others . . .)
To answer these questions, we reach out to some of the top event planners in the Over The Moon Directory to get their thoughts on the matter and their sage advice for couples in the thick of guest list curation.
"No Ring, No Bring" Is Outdated
Nearly every Directory planner acknowledged this. The "no ring, no bring" adage may have been enough half a century ago to get out of inviting a maid of honor's boyfriend; in today's day and age, though, it just doesn't hold up. Relationship statuses are far more complicated than "single," "engaged," and "married" and can't be tidily determined by a ring on the fourth finger.
As Lynn Easton of Easton Events shares, today’s clients are increasingly focused on creating a guest experience that feels “warm, inclusive, and personal.” She notes, “For some, that might mean extending an invitation to a long-term partner—diamond or not!—if it means their guest will feel more comfortable and present. It’s a delicate balance of etiquette and empathy.”
Similarly, the EKS Events team says, "Not everyone gets married these days, and relationships don’t always fit into neat categories. Ultimately, your guest list is about celebrating with the people who matter most to you, so trust your instincts over old-school rules."
Becca Atchison of Rebecca Rose Events agrees, "If decades in this line of work have taught us anything about guest lists, it’s that these decisions are rarely as straightforward as simply applying a blanket rule that excludes plus-ones for guests who aren’t engaged or married!" Thus, ring status shouldn't be the deciding factor for who gets an invitation to your wedding.
But Remember, It's Your Wedding!
And what you want to do is what you should do. Clara Boatto of Design Anarchy says, "If a couple has intentionally chosen to keep their wedding very intimate in order to spend quality time with their closest loved ones, we believe this guideline should be respected, as allowing additional guests would go against the core intention of the celebration."
When the team behind Smith + James talks to clients, they are sure to emphasize that while it can be tricky to create the guest list, it's ultimately your wedding and the guest list should only include the people who make you feel the most loved and supported.
We love how Lynn Easton puts it: "Your guest list should feel like a reflection of your relationships, not just a formality." Be incredibly thoughtful about who—and how—you add to it. And if you do invite singles, "Just please don’t make a singles only table!" Marcy Blum pleads.
Who Should Get a Plus One?
The consensus seems to be that you can evaluate plus ones on a case-by-case basis. There is no one-size-fits-all decree. "While you certainly can offer plus-ones across the board, it’s not just a matter of budget—it’s a matter of meaning," Lynn Easton points out. "For couples planning a smaller, more intimate gathering, we often encourage them to pause before extending every possible plus-one. There's real beauty in keeping the guest list curated and the energy of the room aligned."
But, Marcy Blum brings up a fair point: you have to stay consistent with how you dole out plus ones. "If you have two friends with serious significant others they both want to bring," she says, "you have to invite both or neither."
It all depends on the budget and the amount of space. Think of how well you know the intended plus one. "Weddings are a stamp in time," Rachel Urban of Apricity Events notes. "So you just have to gauge how close you are with couples at that point in time to decide who should receive a plus one versus not." It is your day, after all.
As for destination weddings in far-flung locales, keep your guest in mind. "Asking someone to attend solo, particularly when they don’t know many other guests, can impact their overall experience," Lynn Easton explains. Likewise, Jennifer Zabinski of JZ Events adds, "When space permits, I always encourage couples to extend the invitation. After all, a wedding isn’t just about two people saying yes to forever—it’s about creating an atmosphere where everyone feels part of the celebration."
Still Unsure About Extending A Plus One?
Becca Atchison proposes that you send the save the date only to the primary guest. Then, you can decide on the plus one status closer to when you send the invitation. "This gives you the flexibility to account for relationships that may evolve over time," she notes.
The OTM Directory Verdict on "No Ring, No Bring"
And with that, the verdict is in. One a whole The Directory members have collectively decided that the "no ring, no bring" rule is too narrow and limiting to be a deciding factor when it comes to the guest list. With this in mind, we asked them for further guidance on how best to curate.
When Should You Make Your Guest List?
"At the beginning, this way you can search for the correct venue, and have a clear understanding of the budget," Guadalupe Alvarez of Penzi Wedding & Events says. Believe it or not, your guest list size sets the tone for most of your planning.
"It determines whether you can host a seated dinner or a cocktail-style reception, whether your ceremony fits in the manicured garden or must move to the lawn, and even how many guests can be accommodated on-property," Lynn Easton adds. Before you can plan all of the fun things—or even just anything, you should know how big your wedding will be.
The EKS Events team shares their process, noting, "We often use the chicken-and-egg analogy here: First decide if your priority is a more intimate venue, or including as many loved ones—and their partners—as possible." From there, you can decide who makes the cut. Amanda Dubin of Victoria Dubin Events also says that as planning evolves and guest count becomes clearer, she encourages couples to extend plus ones wherever possible and wherever space allows.
How Do You Put A Guest List Together?
Lynn Easton jokes with her clients and tells them that the guest list is the one thing she and her team cannot create for you. Unfortunately, this is an assignment only you and your partner can do.
Beth Helmstetter says to start with your non-negotiables: Who must absolutely be invited? This will be immediate family, your wedding party, and close friends. (Remember, that's for both you and your partner!)
From there, create tiers: your A-list, your B-list, and your C-list. "It sounds a little corporate, but it’s actually a kind way to make sure the people closest to you are prioritized, while still leaving room to include others if space and budget allow," Helmstetter insists. "This system also gives a lot of peace of mind. You can know you’ve honored your priorities, while still remaining flexible."
Becca Atchison cautions couples from the errs of just addressing a plus one as an "And Guest" on an invitation, though, "Merely using 'and guest' to reference a committed partner of someone on your guest list could be viewed as careless at best and disrespectful or offensive at worst. If a couple has been together for more than six months, it’s best practice to add both names."
Who Do You Add to Your Guest List?
If you would like a lens to view your guest list through, look no further. Aleah and Nick Valley of Valley & Company Events have a series of questions they have their couples consider when they make their lists. Ask yourself, "Have you seen or communicated with them in the last six months? Would you invite them to your home for dinner or would you take them out to a nice pricey dinner?" Think long and hard about it. "If the answer is no to any of those questions, we'd question extending the invitation," the Valleys recommend.
Beth Helmstetter shares some of her guiding star questions, too: "Has this person actively supported your relationship? Not just in the distant past, but in your present life. Who do you call to share good news? Who shows up for you in your everyday world? Those people belong on the A-list."
Lauren Silavin of Smith + James admits that her team is in favor of being ruthless with the guest list and says, "A rule of thumb we give our clients if they need help cutting their list down is, 'If you could FaceTime the person in question right now, and it wouldn’t be weird, then they are invited.' If that idea gives you pause, they should not be at your wedding."
The Design Anarchy team has distilled the initial guest list draft to a formula of 50% close friends, 30% family and family friends, and 20% professional or social connections. From there, you can tweak your list as need be. It's a great jumping off point!
When Should Your Guest List Be Final?
As a rule of thumb, most save-the-dates go out 8–12 months before the wedding, and most invitations hit the mail 8-10 weeks before the main event. Anyone who receives a save the date should be invited to the wedding, so your guest list needs to be final around then. (Save for any stray add ons your future in-laws might request at the eleventh hour!)
